I've sat awake for almost two nights now, sleeping here and there.  I have just been thinking and thinking.  A change in life harbors quite a lot when it is you to blame.  A bad disease you become.  As a result you are cut off, stripped away...as if you were the young girl whose time it was to learn that going off to college meant giving up the last few years of your life.  Only this time, I am not a teenager, but a grown woman, with what I thought was a certain future, a trusted future.  At the age of 24, I find myself stripped empty.  I find myself with a wall up...and all while I had hoped and thought I was begining to establish a place in our hearts, bodies and worlds in which to maybe someday call a family and home. 

The feeling in my stomach has returned.  The knots, the hurt, the longing, the tears.  What is loyalty to this world today?  What are words?  How is it that words are so easily overridden by annoying habits and personality flaws?  Are we not all imperfect as the way that God made us?  Are we not all suffering from flaws?  Is a commitment that is no different emotionally or physically from something bound by written contract something that we as people have come to see as everything else in this world...disposable? 

These are such distructive paths for a world, and I see no light at the end of a tunnel fused by tests...if you pass, you make it to the end, if you don't you just get left in the tunnel?? Shouldn't it be once you enter you are in for the long haul?

I am sickened, distraught and hurt.  I am unaccepted and misunderstood.  I am betrayed and scarred.  But I am not broken, and I will live to change this world if it is the only thing I ever vow.  For we are all children of God, we are His hands, we are each other's hands and strength.  Never should a human life, taken in full form...mental, emotional, physical...be a pledged away disease.  Lord, show me how to be scarred, but not broken.....

I've sat awake for almost two nights now, sleeping here and there.  I have just been thinking and thinking.  A change in life harbors quite a lot when it is you to blame.  A bad disease you become.  As a result you are cut off, stripped away...as if you were the young girl whose time it was to learn that going off to college meant giving up the last few years of your life.  Only this time, I am not a teenager, but a grown woman, with what I thought was a certain future, a trusted future.  At the age of 24, I find myself stripped empty.  I find myself with a wall up, and while I had hoped and thought I was to begin establishing a place in my heart, body and world in which to maybe to someday call a family and home. 

The feeling in my stomach has returned.  The knots, the hurt, the longing, the tears.  What is loyalty to this world today?  What are words?  How is it that words are so easily overridden by annoying habits and personality flaws?  Are we not all imperfect as the way that God made us?  Are we not all suffering from flaws?  Is a commitment that is no different emotionally or physically from something bound by written contract something that we as people have come to see as everything else in this world...disposable? 

These are such distructive paths for a world, and I see no light at the end of a tunnel fused by tests...if you pass, you make it to the end, if you don't you just get left in the tunnel?? Shouldn't it be once you enter you are in for the long haul?

I am sickened, distraught and hurt.  I am unaccepted and misunderstood.  I am betrayed and scarred.  But I am not broken, and I will live to change this world if it is the only thing I ever vow.  For we are all children of God, we are His hands, we are each other's hands and strength.  Never should a human life, taken in full form...mental, emotional, physical...be a pledged away disease.  Lord, show me how to be scarred, but not broken.....